Fatty, Fatty

“Fatty, fatty, two by four, can’t get through the bathroom door”. Can’t tell you how many times I heard that growing up. I was not an obese child, but I was kind of pudgy, like a lot of kids a year or two before puberty hits. And it wasn’t just at school, oh no. It happened at summer church camp too.

There was also a relative who never called me by name. It was always “Butterball”. Even as an adult, this relative made references to my weight such as “when’s the baby due” when I was not pregnant.

Words; oh how they hurt! They cut, they crush, and they destroy! How? They become what you think of yourself when they are repeated enough. They become your thoughts. Your perceptions of what you look like and how others perceive you become distorted. They play over and over in your mind like a broken record.

When I was a child I don’t think I ever heard the term bullying. No, it was just “kids being kids” or “oh it was just a joke” or “they just tease you because they are jealous”. Now, my parents never said those things to me because I never told them what was said to me. I just endured it and cried inside. I did hear those things said to others who were made fun of. And I knew it didn’t help. It didn’t take the pain away, it just meant nobody cared.

I tried to compensate for the remarks about my appearance by trying to be the smartest one in class. That wasn’t hard. I don’t say this with pride, it was just a fact. I was a straight A student. I loved learning. But it brought new remarks. “Smart alec”, “know it all”, “think your smart don’t you”. I found that hurt just as much.

I grew up feeling unwanted, unloved and rejected. It didn’t matter that I grew up in a Christian home with two parents who loved me and would have done anything to protect me if they had known. I never told anyone what I felt. To do that might have meant more rejection. And I so wanted acceptance.

So, I married the wrong person at the age of 19 trying to find that acceptance and wound up feeling even more rejection. During that time I could have easily killed myself. But the marriage and that time of life is a whole other story. I was divorced by the age of 23.

We don’t pay attention to what we say to people. We don’t realize the devastation we cause. I have been guilty of wounding with my words. I have had to repent. God cares very deeply about words. And He knows we are careless with them. The Bible has much to say on the subject.

James 3:8 “...You can tame a tiger, but you can’t tame a tongue-it’s never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women he made in his image; Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can’t go on. A spring doesn’t gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it?” (The Message); also,  James 1:26,”If anyone among you thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this one’s religion is useless.” (NKJV) He gets right to the point doesn’t He?

In the Old Testament He also deals with the subject. Psalms 34:13, “Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.” (NKJV) In Strong’s Hebrew Lexicon, the word evil used here can mean “giving pain, unhappiness or misery”.  “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences”, Proverbs 18:21, NLT. We could go on and on but I think you get the message.  

Our words can destroy. But praise to God!!! He can and wants to bring life to us from the death our words can bring. I know! He healed me! And I praise Him for His goodness to me!

I was in my late thirty’s when I began to understand how to deal with all the words that had been spoken to me. I first had to understand that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual [hosts] of wickedness in the heavenly [places]”, Ephesians 6:12.  That was a hard concept to grasp! It wasn’t the people who spoke those words that were my enemy. It was satan who had used them as a tool to get to me. But it was still their voices I heard.

Then I had to learn how to deal with thoughts. The negative words had become what I thought of myself. How do you change the way you think? Can you?  2 Corinthians 10:3-5 states, “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” Romans 12:2 tells us to be “transformed by the renewing of your mind.” And no it is not easy. It takes diligence and diligence and more diligence. I had to learn what God thought about me; what His Word had to say about me. John 3:16 “For God so loved”, for God so loved, for God so loved ME! I learned I am not perfect, but neither is anyone else. The Word says there this “none good, not one”. But He loves us anyway; and while we were still in sin, He died for us. I learned that in Him, I am made righteous.

 Yes, I learned those things in Sunday school and I cannot tell you why I did not internalize them then. But I know them now. And it is because I refused to let the negative thoughts stay. I would go and read my Bible when they came and I would pray and praise God for what He had done for me. Yes the thoughts kept coming back and I kept fighting them. I spent an entire month reading and rereading Ephesians 2 and Psalms 139. It actually took me years to learn this and keep learning it. And God gave me a husband who has always told me how pretty I am and how good I look until between him and God I have come to accept myself, like myself and yes, love myself. Am I perfect? No. I still find myself holding back on giving opinions for fear of rejection but I am getting better.  I know even if I am wrong, He still loves me.  .

But now I am faced with it again as an adult, seeing and hearing that so many children are being bullied today. I don’t know what to do because the bullies and the bullied both need God. So I will start where I know, with the Word of God and prayer. And when He gives me an avenue to speak up, I will. Sharing my story is just the start.