I have faced death before. My first month working as a nurse I saw someone die every day for one whole week. I worked on a hospital floor where the elderly and terminal patients were frequently admitted. No Code and Do Not Resusitate orders were common. It never got easier. I have seen horrible disfigurement; faces eroded by cancers that had eaten away the very resemblance of humanity. It never got easier.
Ten years into our marriage, Roger was tormented by depression and suicidal thoughts. I saw death in a different form; a form that was a living, healthy face, but was death none the less. It was not easy to look at. It was harder to see in this form than in the arena I was used to facing this adversary. I put up walls. I battled this enemy because a life precious to me depended on it. But the walls went up even when I saw victory and deliverance slowly come. It just hurt to much.
This week I saw death again. A teenage Haitian girl was hit by a car directly across the street from our apartment. When we looked out the window of our bedroom and saw her lying on the ground in a pool of blood, I felt death. I knew there was no ability or nursing skill in me that would make a difference. I prayed. I prayed in the Holy Spirit. We went with medical supplies to offer what assistance we could. When I saw what was left of her crushed face, blood bubbling out of what was once a nose and a mouth, I saw death again. She was taking her last breaths. I put my hand on hers and prayed.
I wish I could tell you that God intervened and healed this child that He created, but He chose not to do so. Some would say what merciful, loving God would allow that to happen? A God who is not only merciful and loving, but holy, righteous, just, all powerful and all knowing. He is God and we are not. I do not pretend to understand. I just have to trust Him.
While I have faced death before Roger has only seen death one other time, when his mother died. She was in a nursing home in the last stages of Alzheimers. It was sad and heart breaking but not as tragic as what he saw this week. In seeing his reaction to this child's end, I feel the walls around my heart cracking. I can't let them stay up. I know they have to come down. No matter how much it hurts. I do trust my Lord.
He brought us to Haiti for a reason. These past ten months we have been making relationships, learning a culture and a language very different from our own. And we are still not quite sure of our actual purpose here. But two words the Lord keeps showing me in the Bible studies I have done while here, stand firm, meaning hold your position. Stand firm when you are homesick for the cool mountian air of Alabama. Stand firm when you look at photos of Darcie or Skype your family. Stand firm even when you don't understand what is being said in a church service. Stand firm when the poverty hits you in the face. Stand firm in the midst of jealousy and greed that is stonger than any you have encountered. Stand firm when you face death.
"Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil." Ephesians 6:11 NASV
"Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13 NASV
These are but a few of scriptures He has shown me, which makes me certain that I will face death again. But knowing the LORD God almighty, my savior, redeemer, healer, my everything I can declare that I will stand firm because He declared in Revelation 1:17 "I have the keys of death and Hades." NASV
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