We have been in Haiti about 10 months. And I have to admit it, I have been so homesick. I want so much to be able to be with my family, to hold my Darcie whenever I want to, go to the park and just walk by myself, to get in a car by my self and just drive without having any particular destination in mind, to go to the office I worked in and care for my cancer patients as I used to.
I never wanted to be a missionary. I fought hard against it. Even when I knew it was what God wanted. I felt kinda like Jonah running from Nineveh, except I didn't hate the people God was sending us to. I still don't. I care very much about the people. I just didn't want to leave my comfort zone. So I surrendered.
However, I am human. Surrender does not mean liking it. I really hate the constant heat, sweat, bugs and NOISE! I hate feeling as if I am on display every time I stick my head out the door. I hate the government corruption that steals from us and our conference by not allowing the mission vehicles to be registered as Haitian vehicles. And making everything in general extremely difficult. I hate my loss of independence. I can't go anywhere without Roger driving me (not being able to judge distances very well I would kill someone if I tried to drive here) and someone who speaks kreyol having to go us.
The language barrier is really frustrating to me. While I am learning kreyol and am able to communicate to a degree, my listening comprehension is not good and I don't know if it will improve. I really need my hearing checked. I cannot understand Roger at times.
Another problem, health care. I don't trust the health care system here, finding our prescriptions is difficult and when I do, you can't get a receipt to turn in to the insurance. And then there is Roger. Roger has had so many problems with kidney stones I don't know what to do any more. I am not a doctor and I am not God.
Has venting any of this made me feel any better? No. Has it changed anything? No. What it has done, as it did for the man whose post I read last night , is make me know how much I need God. I am not perfect. But neither were any of the men and women we read about in the Bible. Many of them complained from time to time. Moses complained about the complaining Israelites, Job complained about all his suffering (he never blamed God though) and Elijah complained about Jezebel trying to kill him.
The things I just described are my flesh warring against me. There have been many other obstacles that I have faced that I cannot make public. I know they are outright attacks of the enemy. And I have almost fallen. I admit it. I have been ready to quit. But I know I cannot do that. Every time I have wanted to pack up and quit anything for the last 18 years, God reminds me of a word He gave through a pastor's wife I met in the late 90's. She said to me that I had a spine of steel. Funny choice of words to give a woman with chronic degenerative disc disease of the spine. But I knew what she meant. I have no strength in myself. It is the Holy Spirit of God who infuses me with strength when I have none of my own. And I am determined, in His strength, to stay where God has put me. I stand firm (hold my position) having the belt of truth that is Jesus Christ, having His righteousness as my breastplate, having my feet shod with the gospel of peace which is my victory. I will take up my shield of faith which quenches all the fiery darts of the enemy, I will wear my helmet of salvation, and I will wield the sword of the Spirit, His precious word and I will continue in prayer and fasting.
We are have been told we are doing a good job by several different ones. I don't see any thing yet that we have done EXCEPT to stand. But for now I think that is all God requires. After all we cannot do anything of lasting value by our own efforts. Only what Christ has done will last.
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